For some reason I’m always lonely after I leave my aunt and uncle’s house, no matter where I go. It’s like homesickness except it’s never been my home. The roommate is not here which I was looking forward to–not because I dislike the roommate, but because it’s nice every once in a while to know you’re not bothering anyone when you watch endless TV or cook weird-smelling food. I had a flat tire this morning (see brief post below) and it was really nice to have someone take care of it for me in one last episode of non-adulthood. It was nerve-wracking to drive home with only three lugnuts on my rear tire and it’s nerve-wracking now to know I have to go get more things fixed tomorrow. Maybe the nerve-wracking-ness (quoi?) has something to do with the loneliness. But the feeling is so ritualistic–I can remember it on specific returns dating back to January 1998–that I think it doesn’t have to do with anything temporary. This confuses me.

My cousin kept listening to the Brewers on the car radio and watching them on TV. It takes so much energy to be a fan. I like how Dashboard gives me scores so I don’t have to put in so much effort. I just get to check quickly when my team is losing. And they are. Except today, when they beat the Cubs, which doesn’t say much for them.

Speaking of nerves, I’m way less nervous about France now that I know I have a place to stay. I was imagining an arrival involving jet lag, no food, nowhere to go, and no one to talk to. I was also imagining running out of money after paying a French security deposit. Now, thankfully, fewer of these worrisome imaginary things will become reality.

I watched Possession tonight. Should I read the book? I finaly finished Small Island which was excellent. Now I am way sleepy so I will do some crosswords I haven’t finished and go to bed.


3 thoughts on “Nerves

  1. laurel says:

    Tell us more about your place in France! (what of it you know, at least)

    When are you going to be in CS again? I’ll be there 8/7-17.

  2. I know! I saw! The sad thing about it is they only have to do just a little bit better to be doing well.

    L: Sad, will probably arrive Aug 22. Will call soon to give you the solicited France details.

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