Things in my future are starting to take imaginable form. In the first instance there’s my drive down to Texas, which now has two definite stops and soon will have a starting date. My parents went to visit their new puppies today, and my mom has moved things into her new condo, where I’ll be spending half my time in Texas.

Scarier, though, is the thought that on September 23 I actually have to get on a plane and leave the country. I just watched Before Sunrise (for the first time) and even though there are maybe two lines of French in the movie it make me nervous about mine. I guess I’ll just have to give up the pretense that I speak it and hope that people can deal with my stuttered grammar. I had a dream about France last night and it was okay, except it was more like camp for people my age. There were around ten of us, and we were all girls, and suddenly saying “Je m’appelle…” had gone out of fashion and everyone knew it except me. Also I didn’t have any European money with me. Sometimes I can pick out the exact anxieties my dreams express and at other times they mean nothing at all. (And at other times I’d like to pretend that I don’t know what they’re about.)

Recently I explained my post-France plan to my mom. (That is, assuming I want to come back, which at this point seems likely, but you never know.) It involves spending another month and a half in CS, which is sounding less and less exhilarating. (Okay, I guess it never really sounded exhilarating.) She said that’s fine as long as I don’t turn into one of those kids who never moves out. Now I’m starting to wonder if I’ll really be able to stomach that much time without anything to do. Then I started thinking about how the DU SPI will want $1000 from me in April next year when I won’t be able to apply for a loan because I’ll still be in France. Why do I worry about things like this so far ahead of time? Also I keep trying to convince people to move to Chicago because I think I’ll be there in a year.

Well, now that I’ve made something seem satisfyingly distant maybe I can calm down. Probably not though.


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