I was holding it all together pretty well and feeling pretty good about the last week in Paris and heading to Austin… I went out with A tonight and we had fun and then he started to say goodbye and I surprised myself by starting to cry. Right in front of the metro stop. I really couldn’t stop myself. I did a little bit better on the metro/tram ride back here as in, no tears actually rolling down my face, just seeping into my eyes. And then when I got back to the apartment the entire American gang (the Ys and their guests) was finishing up dinner so that cheered me up.
I got to the FNAC today and bought Renan Luce’s album and Yelle’s, one of which A approved of and the other he snickered at (can you guess which?). But I am quite happy to have both and Margaret and Leigh (other Y guests whom I’m sharing the apartment with) requested to listen to it so we put in Renan Luce.
Last night I went out with ex-student O and we drank beers on the bank of the Seine and it was good craic. And then I had to pee horribly horribly bad on the metro ride home I swear I almost exploded. So I peed at his place before walking the rest of the short way home.
I’m going to miss them all so much. =(
Somewhere in Almost French Sarah Turnbull talks about a Greek man who tells her, “It’s a curse to love two countries,” and I can’t say I honestly feel that way (I still feel that it’s more of a gift) but I do feel awfully torn. There are some really neat people and places and things in the States. But my heart is here. And I really feel it’s a great gift to have found a place (even such a vast one as an entire country) that calls my name so strongly and feels so much like home, and more so to have such a strong vision of what I want out of my life and how I want to spend it. I don’t want to lose that vision with time and distance. That’s what I fear most with the return.
Sometimes I think I would give a lot to be back in September and able to do this year all over again (even counting the break-up!). But then I think, surely I will feel that way in a year, or two years, or three, so I should stop being so cripplingly nostalgic. But I think it’s just a personality trait that I have to live with.